Flag Football – Special Report

Long ago, Moses and the Israelites wandered through the desert in search of the Promised Land.  The Israelites were punished for their disobedience to The Lord after they were delivered from bondage in ancient Egypt.  Thousands of years later, The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to punish Team McKee and Team Pogue for their association with The Bad Walker.  Like the Israelites before us, these teams wandered in the desert searching for the Promised Land.  This is a story about two teams’ attempts to escape from the hellish desert of flag football futility. Gentleman, Strap yourselves in for the ride of a lifetime.  It is with pleasure that I write about the greatest flag football game in the history of BRAAS, “The Something’s Gotta Give Bowl”.

Team McKee deferred to the second half and Team Pogue elected to receive.  We formed a huddle and Captain Pogue brilliantly suggested that we run “The Play”.  Our first experience with “The Play” was when it was run against us for a massive gain by Team May.  The play is simple in theory but difficult in practice.  All I must do is get the ball to Peytavin and he laterals it to The Superstar Rookie.  I know you all have one question, what could go wrong? For once, the answer was nothing.  Peytavin caught the ball, and The Superstar Rookie caught the lateral in mid stride.  The next thing Team McKee saw was Kitto hauling ass 80 yards to the endzone.  I must give credit to Worth Every Penny and Mastermind…. thanks for inspiration boys.  Our luck continued as we converted the extra point to grab a 7-0 lead. 

Team Mckee’s offense was headlined Eric “Undervalued Asset” Nicaud, Guy “One Legged Man” Hymel, Matt Allen, Captain McKee and The Bad Walker.  The Bad Walker led them out of the huddle and completed a few short passes before deciding to drop a bomb.  The Bad Walker targeted Matt Allen but the attempt was thwarted by Chris “Man of God” Pumilia.  The next pass was tipped in the air and nearly intercepted by the Ageless Neal Grob.  Ultimately, Team Pogue forced turnover on downs.

We looked to capitalize on our stellar defensive play, but the Team McKee defense rose to the occasion earning a stop of their own.  Team McKee made steady progress then broke a big play.  Captain McKee found a hole in the defense and The Bad Walker fired the ball to him.  Menck and The Ageless Neal Grob converged on McKee and fought for the juggled ball.  Against all odds, Captain McKee came down with the pass, eluded his would-be tacklers and ran for glory. Team McKee converted their extra point with a shovel pass to Matt Allen.  We went to halftime tied 7-7.

Team McKee received to start the second half and exercised their right to institute a ball control offense.  Wishbone coaches across America basked in the glory of their opening 12-minute drive.  The strategy proved effective; however, it did lower the Neilson Ratings for the Something’s Gotta Give Bowl.  The Bad Walker adjusted his strategy and focused on utilizing the Undervalued Asset and the One-Legged Man.  It was a bold strategy to focus on a receiver that had one good leg but the gamble would pay off in short order.  The Bad Walker dropped back and scanned the field for Captain McKee or the One-Legged Man.  Captain McKee ran a short route and the One-Legged Man collapsed in the endzone.  The Bad Walker made a good decision and lobbed the pass to Captain McKee.  Captain McKee decided to add an additional level of difficulty to the play and used his volleyball skills and handset the pass into the endzone.  It turned out that the One-LeggedMan collapsed in the perfect spot as the ball landed directly on his chest.  Touchdown Team McKee.  For the extra point, they ran an out route to the Undervalued Asset but the pass fell incomplete. 13-7 Team McKee in the lead.  

The clock was not our friend but there was no reason to panic.  It’s not like we were unfamiliar with being behind late in the game.  Our drive was methodical and we made small gains with completions to The Big Man, The Super Star Rookie and Peytavin.  Captain Pogue had an idea with about a minute left in the game.  Back in the huddle, he proposed that we run “The Play” but with a twist.  Initially, there was confusion because we’ve never run “The Play” to the left side of the field but the sheer audacity of breaking our tendencies inspired our band of misfits.  Finally, we said fuck it and headed to the line of scrimmage.  What could go wrong?  Again, the answer was nothing.  Peytavin caught the ball and executed a perfect lateral to Menck.  Menck caught the ball in stride and toted the rock to the endzone.  The score was tied and we chose to go for one.  Our first attempt was incomplete but we were given new life due to a pass interference penalty.  On our second play, we ran a direct snap to Kitto for the score.  Team Pogue leads 14-13

Only 7 plays remained and we have to shut the door on those poor bastards.  Victory was slipping from the grasp of Team McKee but The Bad Walker looked for inspiration from his muse, Bart Crader.  Last week, he watched in awe as his man crush galloped like a gazelle and threw laser beams.  The Bad Walker rallied the troops with visions of chiseled features and superior athletic ability dancing in his head.  He’d be damned if he wouldn’t make his man crush proud of their final drive.  He executed flawlessly, throwing darts and lumbering for a nice gain.  They faced a critical third down with three plays remaining.  He dialed up the trickeration and had the Undervalued Asset throw a double pass to Matt Allen.  The ball was on target but Man of God arrived with a Heavenly Host to knock the ball away.  Fourth down and two plays remain.  At a minimum Team McKee needs a first down to survive but needs a TD for the win.  They dialed up deep crossing routes and Pat delivered a strike for what appeared to be a first down.  Unfortunately, the pass slipped through the receiver’s hands and like Moses before him, The Bad Walker was denied access to the Promised Land.

Team Pogue ends their season long nightmare and experiences the sweet taste of victory.  Legions of Team Pogue fans stormed the field to tear down the goalposts.  The greatest game in BRAAS history will be replayed on ESPN Classic for generations.  

The 2024 BRAAS Flag Football culminated hosted their Championship game at Oschner’s Elite Training Facility and it featured two unlikely participants.  Team Davenport and Team Deselle engineered upset victories of the top seeds to meet in the BRAAS Bowl.  These teams met in week one of the season and Team Deselle came away with a 19-12 victory.  Team Davenport overcame the opening loss going 4-2 while Team Deselle limped to a 2-4 finish.  Both teams felt confident going into the final game due to the strength of their performance over the last two days.  Team Arcemont and Team May were forced to watch the BRAAS Bowl from the stands and had difficulty disguising their disgust at these inferior teams playing in the championship game.    

Team Deselle received the opening kickoff and Bart “Genetic Lottery Winner” Crader led the offense on to the field.  Noticeably absent from the festivities was Pat Walker.  Pat was disappointed that the Genetic Lottery Winner chose to invite his girlfriend to game and did not live up to the motto of “BRAAS Bros before Hoes”.  The Genetic Lottery Winner was unaware of Pat’s absence and focused on using his superior athletic ability to will his team to victory.  Team Davenport was not intimidated as Nelson “the Lobbyist” Davenport believed he could convince Reggie to make any call he required for an advantage.  It should be noted that The Lobbyist was somewhat distracted as his beloved Kamala Harris had opened the presidential election with a slow start.  The game got started and Team Deselle’s opening drive stalled and they elected to punt.  

Team Davenport took over after a punt by Brandon “Mississippi” Pitre and Josh “Rising Draft Stock” Pratt took command.  Rising Draft Stock spent the season deeply insulted by his lowly draft price of $110 and drove his team like they were sled dogs on the Iditarod.  He had his sights set on establishing himself as the premier QB in BRAAS and wasted little time leading his team down the field.  They entered the redzone but Team Deselle flexed their defensive muscle and held for three downs setting up a 4 and goal.  Risking Draft Stock dropped back and fired a pass to Marcus “Trash TDs” Lasseigne.  Trash TDs was stopped at the goal line and lived up to his nickname by failing to score when it mattered.  Team Deselle celebrated a huge stop and took over on offense.  

Team Deselle screwed around for a few plays and the Genetic Lottery Winner came alive as the clock neared half time.  He dropped back and Matt “Featherstone” Deselle streaked pass the Davenport Defense.  The pass fell incomplete as the ball slipped through Featherstone’s hands.  The Genetic Lottery Winner rolled his eyes and cursed the mere mortals by which he was surrounded.  With one play remaining before halftime, all eyes were on the Genetic Lottery Winner.  He scrambled to the right but his escape was cut off by the defense.  Unfortunately, they failed to keep track of Featherstone who was standing alone on in the endzone.  Featherstone reminded himself that the ball was his friend and caught it for a touchdown.  Team Deselle leads 7-0 going to the half.  

Team Davenport opened the second half with an inauspicious start.  Rising Draft Stock decided to lower expectations for next season and threw a Pick Six.  Mississippi stepped in front of Pratt’s pass and zigzagged to the endzone giving his team a 14-point lead.  

Team Davenport’s next drive was a major improvement.  Rising Draft Sock made an interesting decision to throw a jump ball to Carter Reed despite him being covered by the Genetic Lottery Winner.  Bart dishonored his forefathers from Mount Olympus and he let a sure interception go through his hands.  Carter Reed snagged the ball and we had a new game.  

It was late in the game and Team Deselle needs to milk the clock and bring home the title. Bart had different ideas and wanted a quick TD to ice the game.  He looked for Featherstone on a seem and it appeared they were going to connect for a long touchdown. Rising Draft Stock decided he wasn’t going to go out like a bitch, ran across the field, hurdled Featherstone and intercepted the pass.

The seconds were ticking away and Team Davenport was having success when an unlikely hero arose for Team Deselle.  Box saved at touchdown with an outstanding flag pull and the fans sang praises of his flag pulling ability.  The fans adulation was short lived as Box missed an easy flag pull on the next play and had his existence cursed by everyone that believed in him.  Easy come…easy go.  Anyway, back to the action.  On the next play, Rising Draft Stock was nearly intercepted by Little Deselle.  Team Davenport scored on the next play when The Lobbyist channeled Dwight Clark.  The fans swore that he could have cleared a Capital One Venture Card with that kind of vertical leap.  Team Davenport trails 13-14 and they decided to load their giant balls into a wheelbarrow and go for the win.  I’ll be honest, I don’t remember what play they ran on their two-point conversion attempt but they were denied.  

Team Deselle ran out the final seven plays and clinched the one-point victory.   After the game, the Champions were awarded BRAAS duffle bags and etched glasses.  It was another great year of competition and it looks like the auction draft is here to stay.